Aug 31, 2011

What would you ask if you had just one question?

Why is it so hard to believe (or how do I open my heart to the unknown)? Of all the things I wonder I guess that sums it up quite well. Every year I feel like believing becomes harder and harder, not only in God, but also in love, in people and in the future. I catch myself longing back to my teenage years – yeah, I know, nobody liked their teen-years, but I did. Everything was so clear, I was so sure. I remember my dad saying something like “nobody is ever quite as idealistic as a teen, they know what they believe and they believe it so strongly that it’s hard to argue with them”. I remember being almost insulted by the fact that he practically was telling me that “just wait and see you won’t be so sure in ten years” – because of course I would still have the same values and beliefs.

Now here I am, not knowing, unsure and doubting. It’s so hard to disconnect the logical, cynical and jaded side that has developed during the last couple of years. How do you ignore the lessons of life you’ve supposed to have learned? Especially when the lessons are hindering you from keeping on learning?

I can sometimes still feel the longing for a cold and calm church, the mass with it’s steps that I know so well, the words that come automatically (in Swedish, mind you) the calmness that comes after, the security and comfort. I haven’t been to mass in years though. I don’t even really know why. I had a period with a bunch of doubts and things I couldn’t agree with the church on (still can’t, witch probably is part of the reason), and I had the very unfortunate luck of attending mass with a new and quite conservative minister in my hometown who said something like “you need to listen to what is in your heart, and those are the values you need to follow” and of course something about those values needing to be the same ones that the catholic church proclaims to be a “real” catholic. In my heart I can’t be against gay-marriages, or gays adopting, or a woman’s right to choose, or birth control for that matter, I just can’t, it’s not what my heart, or my head says. And after that I haven’t been to mass. But I do miss it, the reminder that you are put on earth by a higher power that has some sort of plan with it all, that someone is looking after you and making sure you are going the right way even when you feel lost and most of all, the comfort in knowing that you are worth more than your biggest sin – all that together is what makes going to mass an amazing experience. I just wish I could open my heart to the complete unknown and just believe. I just wish it weren’t so hard.

Aug 28, 2011

And the world spins madly on

It’s such a strange thing, death. One minute there is life and the next, there just isn’t, one last breath and then nothing, no heartbeat, no contact – just a big empty space where there once was life. A patient’s wife said the other day “it was so easy, just a heavy sigh, and then he was gone”. I guess it is easy, not living, stopping, giving in. I just can’t really wrap my head around it.

I deal with death or near-death practically everyday at work, it becomes natural somehow. I knew going in to this profession that the one thing people would warn me about was the one thing I didn’t have to worry about – taking my patients problem home with me. The one thing that is a disaster in my personal life is one of my biggest strength at work. I’m empathic, I care and I want the best for people around me – but I’m almost the opposite with myself. It sounds horrible, but I don’t really accept feelings in myself. Does that sound strange? I don’t mind taking the difficult talks with patients, I don’t mind comforting and giving support – actually I think I’m pretty good at it, but when it comes to myself I prefer to push the feelings and hard talks away, I yell and judge instead of giving comfort and support. So the big problem people predicted I would have with being sad and “feeling my patients feelings” too much has never been an issue.

I saw that wife and her daughter in the eye, I comforted as best I could and then I walked out and continued with the paperwork around the death of someone’s husband, father and uncle, just as if something huge and life-altering hadn't just happened. I’m not sure that doesn’t make me a monster.

Aug 22, 2011

I believe

when I fall in love with you it will be forever…

A lovely song by Stevie Wonder, from the classic movie High Fidelity. And in honor of the film, top 5 moments of the movie (if you haven’t seen it – shame on you!! – and spoiler alert!)

1. How to make a compilation tape – “I’ve started to make a tape, in my head, for Laura, full of stuff she’d like, full of stuff that’d make her happy. For the first time I can sort of see how that’s done.”

2. “I miss her smell, and the way she tastes, it’s a mystery of human chemistry – and I don’t understand it, some people as far as your senses are concern just, feel like home.”

3. The proposal – “I’m tired of the fantasy ‘cause it doesn’t really exist”

4. “She’s right, I broke up with her, I rejected her, that’s another one I don’t have to worry about! I should have done this years ago!” 

5. Lis to Rob – “Hey Rob, f*cking a**hole!!”

 

Aug 18, 2011

Wishing and hoping and praying

Oh there are A LOT of things I’m wishing and hoping and praying for right now. First of all that my tummyache will disapear during the day so that it won’t ruin the very fun weekend I have planed that starts tomorrow! But to not get into all the big stuff I’m wishing for right now I could show you one thing I really, really want!

 

This pictures are borrowed from Trendenser.se  and are Alcro PR-pictures styled by Lotta Agaton (can she do anything wrong!?) and is just the perfect example for what I want in my home right now (and probably for ever and ever!). White, calm, elegant and at the same time with a bit of a homie-feeling. It’s particularly the middel picture I’m inlove with. I feel like I need to have those wine glasses to ever be able to serve wine in my house again! And I don’t even know where the glasses come from…

Oh well – I can always keep wishing, and hoping and praying… (for a more roomy budget, a store that has at least some nice stuff in my city, a lamp that actually works and so on…)

Aug 14, 2011

A hairy subject

I have a deep dark shameful secret – actually, it’s not really a secret. You can see it on me if you look closely – so it’s really just deeply shameful. I haven’t had a haircut in about a year now! I love my hair. I know your not suppose to like anything about yourself in our day and age – but I do, I love my hair. At least I used to love my hair, now I cringe every time I see the horrible split ends. I’ve been on a really tight budget the last couple of months (like jeans-a-size-to-small-and-newly-washed tight!) So I can’t afford to get my hair cut at my regular place, besides, I’ve moved to another city since my last cut so it would cost train fare on top of the ridiculously expensive prices they have there. Anyway – I’m thinking I’m going to have to find a new hairdresser in my new city and I’m going to have to book a date really, really soon.

I’m thinking something like the girls in the new H&M catalogue have, a bit 60’s inspired. I’m just not sure if my hair is thick enough for it…

hmprod

(The dress is by the way super cute – just not on me, at all! I was so dissapointed after trying it on a couple of days ago…)

Aug 9, 2011

Say Anything

Great movie that I just recently heard of – how is that? How do you not hear of this movie? Ok, granted it’s not like Titanic big or Casablanca classic, but it’s so sweet and – well, different from so many other 80’s teenage movies. Not that there’s anything wrong with 80’s teenage movies (if I could I would totaly dance to “Time of my life” from Dirty Dancing at my wedding – well, that’s if I could ever get a guy to do that, and let’s face it, I probably couldn’t!) but this movie is just different somehow. It’s not all mushy and the girl isn’t very girly, I think. The guy is amazing – and if I’m ever pissede of about anything big, the boombox outside the window is totaly the way to win me back! (oh, and that scene is sooo not mushy – it’s honest and sweet and you know it!)

Not being the leader of the pack

Motivation is a tricky thing. You need it for everything, not just the big goals, but for everyday living. I guess if you don’t have any motivation you really depend on diciplin. In my life I have hade one big goal – to become a doctor. Ok, so what do I do when I can check that one off my list?

I only first realised this was my problem a couple of days ago. Diciplin has always been really difficult for me, but I had a goal and I knew just what I had to do to get it. I had to study, attend class, pass exams and focus. For the exams I had books or list that I could turn to, to know exactly what I needed to read – even though it of course is hard, there isn’t really that much thinking involved. Or actually, creativ thinking, thinking of ones own. The path was pretty well market and I just had to follow.

I am the worst thing one could be – a follower. It’s not that I like rules, it’s just so much more confortable than making your own. I’m good at it, I always had to be, and it’s always led me the right way. Now it’s a whole new game. The rules have changed – sometimes I feel like there just isn’t any anymore, or at least like everybody else got the list and I was forgotten. I have no idea how to go on from here. How do I get further, where do I want to go? And what do I have to do to get there?

When diciplin isn’t your strongest suite you really (really!!) need motivation – but to have that, you need a goal. So what is my goal? I guess the first step is to acknowledge that I (for the time being) don’t have one, and that my first goal is to get one. So I’m going hunting for a goal, for motivation and for a way to get my life – further, better, richer and happier.  

Aug 6, 2011

Lazy

I thought I needed a break from the bed today – so I movede to the couch. Yes, it’s been one of those days. Actually it started yesterday after work. I didn’t bring my workout clothes to work and so I didn’t go to the gym afterwards, wich is a really bad thing considering I’ve only just started workingout so I can’t get out of the rutine or I’ll never get back into it. Anyways, I decided I was way to tired after my nightshift – which was hell by the way (in case it didn’t come through in the last post!), and in the evening I went out for sushi and drinks with a couple of friends so I didn’t get to bed as early as I’d wanted to. All of that only to justify my fridaynight hangout in bed, with “The Reader” and falling asleep with the computer on my belly. Today seems like it’s just been impossible for me to get out of bed at all, so when I saw that it was almoste six in the evening and I still haden’t been out of my room (for more than quick visits to the kitchen of course!) I decided to move the party to my lovely livingroom.

Photo apr. 16, 20 31 26 Photo apr. 16, 20 28 37Photo apr. 16, 20 26 44

I’m thinking tomorrow is going to have to be super effective so I don’t fall into the common trap of starting a new week without having completed your weekend chores. On my list is – as far as I remember right now – do laundry, clean the apartement properly (not just the rushed vacuuming that I tend to do five minutes before I get people over), look for my computers insurance papers (yes it’s in desperate need of a computer-doctor and sadly I’m not that kind of a doctor) and of course – a visit to the gym. If I’m very effective and super ambitious I might just even get some reading done, I’m sick of feeling like an idiot everytime I’m dealing with electrolyte inbalances or acid-base disturbances – I’m thinking a proper study session, just like in the good old days. Hmm, I might just skip all the other stuff I need to do and just study, I mean, you are supposed to do fun stuff in the weekend right? Gosh I miss uni! I’m so weird…

Uh, I just figured out the song for this post!!

Aug 4, 2011

A hard days night

I just came home from a nightshift at the hospital, and this song isn’t completely irrelevant. Actually it’s very true – it has been a hard days night and I really should be sleeping like a log. Unfortunately I’m not very good at the whole, get up, get dressed, take a bikeride home and then sleep in a very bright room. Well, there’s always a show to watch on the computer that I hopefully can fall asleep to.
It actually hasn’t been a regular night at the hospital. I’ve stood my ground on a couple of things and argued my case, in my opinion, for the benifit of the patient. It’s amazing to think that just a couple of months ago I would have been to intimidated to even question what I was told to do. Today I feel more confident in my diagnostic skills so I have the courage to say it when I think a case is being treated badly. I don’t have that much experience with it though, so I was absolutely thrilled to get a CT scan and some bloodworks to support my theory – I don’t even remember the last time I had such a big smile plastered on my face at 4 in the morning (and mind you at a time where I still haden’t gotten around to go to bed!). Oh well, the life of a young doctor – being happy about a CT scan and a CRP, it might not be Hollywood glamour, but it sure made my night!

Aug 3, 2011

Game Called Life

Welcome!

I guess there is no better way to start this blog than with the song that inspired it, “Game called life” by Leftover Cuties.

Actually I’ve been thinking about starting a blog in English for some time now, I’m from El Salvador, grew up in Sweden, live in Denmark and have family – well, all around the world. Somehow it seems more logical to write in a language that most understand. Although, I do feel the need to point out that English isn’t my first language and I haven’t written in it for a looong time, so if you find (and you will) spelling errors and grammar dont’s, now you know why.