Soda pop feelings and dreams

It’s been a couple of days of silence around here. One might think that I only write when I’m sad, bored or unhappy about something, and one might have a point in that. The thing is, happiness is such a difficult feeling to put down on paper without sounding silly or fake, and I didn’t want to sound either ‘cause I’m really, really happy!

If you remember in November I wrote this about looking for a job. The first month I got several “no thank you” mails back, witch was expected and I handled it pretty good. In December I started becoming just a little bit worried, there weren't that many jobs to apply to, seeing as I’ve only been applying to pediatric wards and I still hadn’t even been on an interview. January came with the slightest trickling of panic. People started to get their plans settle and I still had no clue what would happen after the 31th of March.

Then came the call. “Hi, thank you for applying for the position of junior doctor, would you be able to come down for a talk tomorrow afternoon?” I was baffled, and immediately I started to repeat the same mantra that’s been turning in my head since I started looking for a job – “don’t get your hopes up, you’re never going to get it”. Then I remembered this and I decided that I was going to get the job. I was going to go in there and show her that she’d be a fool not to hire me because I am the perfect person for the position.

When I came out and she’d told me I’d gotten it – when I had basically just been handed my dream, I restrained myself until I had gotten one flight of stairs down – and then I clapped my hands and jumped up and down and laughed out loud. Happiness feels like having your blood switched out with soda pop, it bubbles, it makes my hands tremble and my whole body want to burst out with laughter or tears of pure joy. See – I told you, it sound silly! Oh, well, at least it feels amazing!

Tomorrow I’ll celebrate with my girls and I’m sure there will be smiles and laughter and definitely real bubbles in tall glasses!

Isn’t this the happiest elephant you’ve ever seen!? I don’t think I can explain happiness as good as she’s showing it!

Risky like Tom

I’ve been hanging out at home today, reading a book, listening to music, ignoring the laundry that has to be done and suddenly I walked past the mirror (I may or may not have been doing a little dance…). Something looked… familiar, but in a weird way… I had to go on YouTube and make a couple of Google searches before it hit me – it was Tom Cruise looking back at me in the mirror! Needles to say I won’t share that image of me with you (partly because my camera cable has gone missing), but trust me, I look ridiculous! I need to get myself some proper sweats, or maybe just a pair of pants would do…

I like that old time rock and roll…

This woman’s work

32 hours ago I got up to go to work – since I’ve slept 2,5 blissful hours between five and seven thirty in the morning.

I don’t want to fall asleep during the day ‘cause then I won’t sleep tonight, and tomorrow I’ve got to get up and do it all over again. But I have a headache, a queasy feeling in my stomach and a mind full of pictures of my white work shoes completely covered in blood, so to keep myself distracted I’ve walked around window-shopping for hours. Now my legs can’t handle it anymore so I’m curled up in my reading chair with a book and very soon some new episodes of Greys, OTH and The Vampire Diaries – yes, that’s the level of thought I can handle today. Sooner or later (and I’m guessing sooner rather than later by the rumbling from my stomach) I’ll have to get up and try to get some food down, that’s if I find anything in my pretty empty fridge.

Most days I love coming home to my very own quiet apartment where I can be alone and not mind anybody – today’s just not one of those days.

The photo of my sis has nothing to do with the post – I just like the feel of the picture. And, it’s also a link to the song of the day – Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work”. Haunting, beautiful and what I’m listening to today.

Hearing voices

Every time I try to do something new, challenge myself in some way I have this horrible little voice nagging in my head telling me it’ll never work, it’s not worth it and I’ll never manage it. I don’t know why it’s there, I guess I give it to much room so it expands and becomes louder and louder, and suddenly it’s the only thing I hear. Because I let it become big and loud, I end up listening to it most of the times – and then, funnily enough things tend to not work out, not be worth it and I don’t manage it. This means that next time I’m a new situation, the voice has perfectly good ammunition to use – it didn’t work out the last time, why would it work out now? It’s a horrible, never ending circle that I keep running around in. I hate it and I don’t want to keep doing it.

As I think about writing “from now on, I won’t listen to it, I’ll do new things and just tell it to shut the f*ck up” it’s already working it’s way into my mind telling me – you know you can’t do it, you’ll never be able to shut me up… So, as part of the training I’ll write it anyway:

From now on I won’t listen to it! I’ll do new things and just tell it to shut the f*ck up!

So if you in the near future see me standing somewhere yelling obscenities to myself, don’t worry, I’ll be doing good!

The Birds

If you know me, you know I hate birds. Just the thought of them (specially poultry!) gives me the creeps. Except when they’re in print, on a pretty dress. Birds are definitely the new black, and I’m thinking therapy just got a whole lot trendier! I figure I can buy the clothes and wear them all the time, that way I’m constantly being exposed to the root of my anxiety and slowly begin to get over this embarrassing little phobia, while at the same time being dressed in the latest fashion. This must be the essence of a “win-win situation”! Or maybe it’s the essence of “killing to birds with one stone”… Hmm, I’m getting a bit confused on the metaphors here so maybe I should just move on.

In the collage above you can see lovely creations from the SS 2012 fashion shows, also mentioned here, here and here.

From the left we have; Burberry Prorsum, Chloé (top picture), Christian Dior (bottom picture), Carolina Herrera (top picture), Chanel (bottom picture) and again Carolina Herrera.

Merciful killing

I’m thinking about becoming an ax-murderer. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out before scrambling for you phone! The object which I’m thinking of carving to pieces is practically dead already, or at least taking its last shaking breaths – it’s been with me for much longer than expected and I’ve been very happy to have it here, but now it’s time to let go.

I actually had it all planned out, I was going to take it out last night, leave it by the road and never look back – it would have been easies, more humane maybe. But as it turns out, I’m horribly forgetful! I came home after dinner at a friends house and got to bed with a good book – and forgot all about my sinister plan to get rid of it. Now I have to find an alternative way, and chopping it to pieces is kind of all I have left.

I won’t show you the pieces so that you won’t be traumatized, I’ll just leave you with the picture of how this once so merry and cheerful tree now looks sad, old and ready to move on to greener pastures. Far thee well dear Christmas tree!

Barnyard animals, babies and dots

Yesterday was a great day, the most beautiful little girl was baptized and I was lucky enough to get a couple of minutes of laughter and baby cuddling before the drive home. We talked, we laughed and we ate – all in all a very good Sunday!

A custom made cake that tasted great and looked amazing! I didn’t get the name of the woman who made it, but next time I need a cake with barnyard animals on top I’m definitely getting her number!

The theme color was lilac, so of course her gift was decorated with lilac ribbon. Inside were three great books that I’ve loved for years and that I hope she’ll love to – when she’s a little bigger that is. The classic “Le Petit Prince” for cultivating imagination, the girl power inducing “Ronja Rövardotter” and the sad “Bröderna Lejonhjärta” where you learn courage and to stand up for what is right. Also, the last book has this quote I love, roughly translated it’s something like; Sometimes you have to do things even though they’re dangerous, because other ways you’re not a person but merely a little shit. Well, it sounds better in Swedish…

I ended up wearing a polka dot dress and it turned out to be a total hit with the girl of the hour – apparently polka dots are the most amazing thing ever when you’re 3,5 months old, personally I totally get it, I love dots too – and she’s obviously fashion conscious from a very early age, just my kind of girl!  

On the runway

So I’ve mentioned the spring/summer 2012 lines before and here they come again. I just can’t help myself – it’s just to pretty not to care. I love the length of the dresses, around the knee is a very ladylike length. What one can see from the pictures below is that even though white is a huge color for spring (when isn’t white big!?) there are also designers going for the more soft peach, dusty pink color and there is even a bit of black mixed in, cause have you ever heard of a season where black was out? I think the most unexpected color is green – I see big things happening for green this season.

From the top left we have; Carolina Herrera, Alberta Ferretti, Christian Dior x2 and Burberry Prorsum. In the bottom line from the left we have; Chanel, Burberry Prorsum, Christian Dior and Carolina Herrera.

Personally I love the dusty pink Chanel – ahh to have an unlimited dress fund.

Ok, so now I have to continue with my own fashion show here in my humble runway also known as the stretch between my wardrobe and the big mirror in the hallway. I need to decide what to wear tomorrow for a very special girls baptism – nice but appropriate for church and a lunchtime event, which means (in my opinion) no black… no matter how much I wish I could just throw on my new LBD. Actually I wish I could throw on the Chanel little dusty pink dress – but sometimes you kind of have to stick to reality…      

Acting like a kid

Do you remember the days when you did things in secret? The butterflies in your stomach just thinking someone could catch you? Giggling alone and running around with a suspicious smile on your face that practically broadcasted that you had a secret?

These days I don’t often have secrets, it’s called a personal life now, private matters, things I prefer keeping to myself or whatever. It’s kind of boring actually, but I think people would laugh at me if I didn’t want to tell because it was a secret. Today I don’t feel like being a boring adult. Today I’m a kid and I have a suspicious smile on because nobody knows what I’m doing – It’s so totally a secret!

Ok, so apart from acting like a child I’ve been listening to a really great song today. I heard it on a TV-show and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. It’s got a little bit to do with remembering (does the names Danny and Sandy say anything to you?) and a lot to do with the fact that this cover has a sound that makes me think of late night clandestine meetings and butterfly secrets. Enjoy!

Two steps from hibernation

Today was the first day back after 9 days off, one would think I would be thrilled after having been so bored last week – but oh no! I’m tired and achy. Maybe it’s the weather? I mean, I know my knees hurt from standing without really moving for about four and a half hours during surgery, but the mood – the hiding under a blanket, closing my eyes so I don’t see the mess in the kitchen cause I can’t muster up the energy to deal with it mood, or the don’t you dare drive to close to me on the street or cut me in line ‘cause I’m not responsible for what I’ll do mood. That can’t be just because of my job (Oh and I do love it – just some other parts of it that’s all).

The weather usually gets the blame in these parts of the world, either it’s to cold or to windy or – like today – to wet. It’s this nasty little drizzle that leaks in around your collar and gets the seat of your bike cold and moist. Besides, my boots have a hole in them so I get wet feet – and I hate wet feet (almost as much as I hate socks in bed – but that’s a whole other story…)!

The thought of going in for a 25 hour shift tomorrow is just so depressing I can’t even think about it right now or I’ll seriously go into hibernation and come out again around my birthday, and I just don’t think the hospital is going to accept that and keep sending me paychecks…

Who ever invented misty rainy Mondays must have been out of his mind (in spite of the pretty pictures)! 

Fairytales

Once up on a time there was a little mermaid who lived under the sea and whose biggest dream was to experience life on land. Know the story? Thought so…

  

I absolutely loved Ariel as a kid (of course I still do – but let’s pretend like I’ve actually grown up just a little bit!), maybe it was just something about us having a bit similar names? Or maybe I actually identified with her story – no, I didn’t really live at the bottom of the sea – but I had (well, have actually) a mom who was very overprotective and ever since I was a little girl I’ve had the feeling that “there must be something more than this” just like she had. Oh, it all sounds so silly when I write it down – but non the less, this particular fairytale has had a bit of an impact on my life. Just being named Eric could probably score you a date with me… And one of the comments that I’ve obsessed most about in my life is a guy telling me I remind him of Ariel. Why? I have no idea. He had no idea of my little (big, unhealthy, weird – you choose the adjective…) hang up with The Little Mermaid, he just said it out of the blue. I don’t even know if he actually meant it as a compliment, he might just have been trying to say I look like a fish or act like a naïve little girl – but seeing as I’ve loved her since I was a little girl I couldn’t take it as anything other than a compliment.

 

Weird, how stuff gets programmed in our heads from a very young age and then suddenly comes out and surprises us when we least expect it.

Of course the music is the best of any Disney movie – this beautiful melody is completely underrated – Alan Menken really is a genius.    

Old Hollywood

Ah to live in the world of black and white – everyone is more beautiful, more elegant and more glamorous when depictured without colors. Strange but true.

Hmm… maybe I should print the collage on photo-paper and put it up as art in my bedroom wall – not because the collage is all that good, or because I particularly like having photos of beautiful women in my bedroom, but I do love looking at inspiring things, and this totally get’s me in a nostalgic old Hollywood mood. It makes me want to put on one of my little black dresses, my pearl earrings and big black sunglasses – maybe even try brushing my hair! (trust me, that’s a big deal seeing as it doesn’t happen very often…). Oh, well – maybe one of these days I’ll actually have somewhere to go when dressing up like that…

Losing brain cells by the minute

Supposedly only stupid people get bored – at least that’s what I’ve heard. Honestly I tend to think that only stupid people say stuff like that. I don’t think I’m bored because I’m stupid, but right now one might argue that I am actually getting more stupid as the boredom endures. Either way, today has been a complete waste of a day. I’m bored out of my mind. The rain has been pouring down and the wind blowing a storm, so even though I had big plans about getting out for some air, and some well needed grocery-shopping I just couldn’t muster up the energy to. The high point has been a new episode of How I Met Your Mother – seriously, there is something wrong with my life when that’s a high point!

I knew I should have just ignored my common sense and bought a trip to the south. I’ve never had common sense when it comes to economy, that’s why I’ve had the mature and sensible goal of becoming more responsible with my money for a couple of years now. It’s been a slow process and I’m still far from a responsible adult in that particular part of my life, but as I can see now, I’ve actually made some progress. It’s just a shame that it strikes at this extraordinarily boring time when a bit of spontaneity and sun would be an absolute lifesaver!

So, what can you do instead of taking a sunny holiday? Read good books? Take down Christmas decoration? Visit a friend? Take long walks in the rain? Organize your closet? Go shopping for spring clothes? Go for a spa-treatment?

I’ve considered them all, and some of them might just fill the rest of the week – but for now, I have no idea what to fill the hours left of this day with.

The Italians have a saying, “Dolce far niente”, which means something like the pleasantness of doing nothing – I totally get it, in Italy I’d love to do nothing, sit in a café just looking at the people over a cup of strong coffee or stroll down an old alley licking on a gelato. But here, in this joke of a city with this nightmare of a weather it’s just damn well near impossible!

 

Pictures with crappy weather from tv2.dk and the lovely Italy pictures from Pinterest.com (click on the pictures to get to the source)

First day of business

The first of January is almost always the most calm and relaxed day of the year (except last year when I was up studying at the crack of dawn!). I know myself good enough to know, that even though I wasn’t hung over, I was going to be out ‘till 3 in the morning so most likely I would spend the morning in bed. Knowing that, I decided to prepare beforehand and brought flowers in to stand next to my bed – a lovely way to wake up the first day of 2012.

  Oh, and hiding outside the picture is of course a bottle of Pepsi Max…

The second of January is a huge contrast to the first. This is the day when you get started, all the hopes and ambitions you have for the year need to get going this day to have any chance to keep. Seeing as I don’t have any real new years resolutions and I don’t have work this week, I spent the morning watching the last couple of episodes of “Life Unexpected” – an ok show with a rushed and weird finale.

Now I’ve finally gotten my butt out of bed, taken an hour long walk to find the perfect swings (I loooove swing sets - FYI…) and called the trash people. No, that’s not an insulting term for the insurance people (whom I also need to call today) but actually the guys that come and pick up the trash. Apparently I can’t get rid of my Christmas tree until the 17th of January! What am I supposed to do with a dead tree in my apartment for three weeks!? I hate not having a car – or a license for that matter!

The rest of the day is going to go with calling the insurance people – I need a new one and it’s probably going to cost me a bunch of money I don’t have, so I’m not really looking forward to calling them. Then I need to call the tax people, I doubt that’s going to be any more pleasant than talking insurance or paying bills which is what I have to look forwards to after making all my calls. Oh, how I love the first day of business…    

Happy New Year!!

Remembering old times and old friends with a smile and a lot of love