Mar 29, 2012

Supressing the bitch in me

There are so many different aspects and roles to play in this one job that even though I thought I had seriously considered it before going in there really is no way to be prepared. You know that people are going to expect a lot from you, and that what they expect still can’t reach what you expect from yourself. You know that there will be horrible losses, horrible mistakes and tragedies in your proximity on a nearly daily basis – sometimes even caused by or at least not prevented by you. You know you will feel inadequate at least a couple of times a week – or being in a very competent surrounding, a couple of times a day. You know you need to have patience, with yourself, your colleagues and you patients. You will have to take a reprimand, fair or unfair, from a superior and try and turn it into a lesson you can use in the future. You will have to take shit, yours or others, and bite your tongue, swallow your nasty retort along with your tears and move on to the next patient.

Today I had to learn that swallowing your tears is a really hard thing to do, and even though I could manage while talking to the patient, I had to admit to myself that I am still a new and unhardened doctor, and for the first time in my working life, take a couple of minutes in the ladies room too collect myself and dry my tears. I get that people who talk to you in the condescending and degrading way that these people did to me today are just afraid and nervous. I get that it’s their way of staying in control, getting all the facts, caring for their loved one. I really do understand that, and I knew it going in to this kind of work, but somehow it still doesn’t help in the moment, at least not yet. Maybe one day I’ll learn not to be affected, to get goose feathers and just let it slide off when patients yell or are disappointed or whatever. I know I can be patient and understanding, and damn it I know I’m good at patient care and the “soft” aspects of this job! I’m just not sure about the whole being a silent punching bag thing though...    

Mar 27, 2012

Late night baking

Tomorrow is my last day at work! Yes, we have indeed reached nr. 1! As soon as I get up tomorrow I will start on an hourly countdown starting at T-28 hours, I might even update the blog just to let you know what hour I’m on, I mean, just in case you don’t have anything else going on you know…

Anyway – I’ve been cleaning and packing just like the last couple of days and I’m starting to see an end to this whole misery. I need to pack my bathroom and some clothes I still might wear over the next couple of days, but other than that I’m done. Oh, well, I do have some stuff left in the kitchen – but seeing as just a couple of minutes ago I had to rummage thru three boxes to find an ingredient to my cinnamon buns I might just wait until Friday to pack my whole baking-kit.

You might wonder why I’m baking a day like this, and trust me, I’ve asked myself a couple of times during the last hour and a half. I made some lemon and poppy seed muffins to bring to work tomorrow, last day and all, but it turns out that when my recipe says 32 small muffins they actually mean miniscule! I got 18 out of that batch – and I don’t have anymore poppy seeds to bake more! So now I’m baking cinnamon buns to supplement the muffins. The thing is, they need to raise twice each time for at least 30 minutes, so as you can see the whole – “packing all day being dead tired so planning to go to bed at a reasonable hour plan” – is not likely to happen. Oh, well at least I like baking these buns, it’s weirdly relaxing to kneed a dough, much more so than whisking a batter for muffins… I should have made these from the start…

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The pictures are pretty self-explanatory, except for the last one – I’m not baking anything chocolaty today, but I’m taking on quite a challenge spanning two days starting Thursday, so I’ve stalked up on my chocolate supplies. I must say, of all the impressing things I do (and obviously I do a lot!) keeping away from this is probably the thing I’m most impressed about. I just might show you the result of that one – if it turns out the way it’s supposed to that is.

Being the lucky sister of a traveler

 

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It’s past midnight after a weekend with two 24-hour shifts, window-washing and packing a huge amount of books and clothes, so why aren’t I in bed? Well, I’m waiting for a call. A long distance call that I’m not exactly sure when will come.

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I don’t often consider myself a lucky person and most times I don’t think I have anything that’s really special in my life – just a bunch of ordinary things and events. But then I think of my sister and I know I’m wrong. I have this one person who gets me more than I sometimes want to admit she does, a person who knows all those things I can’t express because she’s been there thru everything in my life. A person who makes me laugh like a snorting pig and then tells me I do and still make me laugh even harder because of it. The only person I have ever intentionally hit and still feel like punching once in a while when she does something utterly stupid. The person in this world that I’ve said the most horrible things to, and who has actually found a way to forgive me.

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We’ve been in different countries for over eight years now, and I’m still dumbfounded when I think of it, but it’s always felt like we were right next door to each other because we keep so much in touch. Now she’s gone and left the continent and just like last time she did, I know we won’t be able to talk like we usually do. Just thinking about it makes every problem I have seem ten times heavier because I can’t unload on her as much. At the same time though, her courage and guts has – as always – the same effect on me as a real hard kick in the ass. I’m so impressed of what she does and how she shapes her life to be what she’s always wanted it to be, I really wish I could be more like her. So I’ll try not to be sad and take as much advantage as I can of this boost of energy and inspiration she throws my way so that I can follow my dreams, just like my little sister.

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Mar 21, 2012

It is really very simple, just a single pulse repeated at a regular interval

I have washed and packed clothes, I’ve brought stuff up from the basement and sorted through it, I’ve washed the kitchen windows, I’ve taken pictures of clothes I want to sell and put them op on a trading site (which has been a hassle seeing as my computer still isn’t very cooperative) and I am now very close to loosing my mind. I’m so bored, and I have this kind of bubbling feeling of wanting to jump up and down and scream a little, I’m not even sure why exactly.

I haven’t heard anything more about my uncomfortably rapid approaching move. I need to know by Friday so I must say I’m getting just a tiny bit worried. I haven’t called the movers yet because I can’t decide which day to move, but seeing as I’m so late booking they’ll probably not be very flexible anyway. Things are kind of becoming huge in my head and I can’t finish one thought without the next one hopping in and interrupting. I need some air. I need to learn how to stop time so that I can just sit down, breath and make my heart stop pounding for just one second.

I need a house in the countryside where I can escape, but maybe I should just start by getting a roof over my head before I start thinking about summerhouses… you know, the practical approach.

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Click on the picture for the source.

Mar 20, 2012

Finding your way home

I’ve spent the last couple of hours in a cafĂ© in my new-old town. I have now composed a pretty darn motivating letter to the University, I have written a couple of e-mails and I have drunk a liter or two of tea. The headache I had when coming in is slowly disappearing and instead I feel relaxed and productive. I’ve missed the life in this city. I know that no matter what I’ll never have the life I had when I lived here last time, I know I’ll miss my girls being close by, but I like the city all by it’s own merit and I think I can be happy here, at least for the next 12 months – after that, well, you never know do you?

The apartment hunting went pretty ok today. I’ll know more by the end of the week and hopefully that will be that. Now I have to find some big strong dudes to move all my stuff for me – and figure out how to be in two places at once…

Oh, here’s the floor plan for the apartment, just in case you have some input in how I should furnish it if I move in.

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No day but today…

This is the day – this must be the day – the day I find myself a place to live!

I’ve already made a list over things I need to get done in the next 10 days, among other things packing, cleaning and sorting. On the top of that list is getting a place to put all my stuff after they’ve been cleaned, sorted and packed, so by the end of the day I hope to be able to cross that off the list. Let’s keep our fingers crossed just for good measure.

Being a girl/woman (Jesus – what are you supposed to call yourself these days!?) I am of course extremely apt at multitasking so this day I intend to also write a very important letter to the university of Copenhagen. The tricky part is that it’s supposed to be a motivational letter so I need to think about why I want what I want. Easy peasy…  I’ll get back to you when I figure that one out.

For the time being I’ll leave you with a video that’s caught wildfire on the net in the last couple of days. I posted it on my Facebook a while ago and being the uninformed silly girl (yeah, definitely girl this time) I am I hadn’t read all the criticism it had received since. Now I’ve read it, and I’ve read a fabulous response to it and I post it again, this time with a more nuanced view of it but by no means any diminished admiration for the creators and their mission, and maybe even a little bit of hope for our generation.

Worth watching…

Mar 15, 2012

Keep on moving, don’t stop rocking…

Something strange happened yesterday with the blog – the post I wrote and posted (I thought) yesterday morning is dated as posted today afternoon. Very weird and probably my computers way of messing with me, or the internet lagging or something…

Anyway, today I have not taken a southbound train as it says in that post, today I have taught a class at Uni. As opposed to my last time as a university lector this time was actually great. They even came up afterwards and said so themselves! It was fun and relaxed and I had my shit together – yes, I have also taken up the language of a lector as you clearly see. The only thing was that it was hard, it was mentally draining and even a bit physically exhausting. My head was pounding when I got home – probably because we finished class with the little 13 months old boy whom we examined bawling and afterwards the bus was utterly overcrowded with babbling students. Even so, I hope I can do it again next term – it was really fun and (dare I say it!?) I think I’m actually good at it!

Oh well, my happy mood was wrecked by a phone call telling me that the apartment I was hoping for isn’t available until the first of may. It wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t for the little tiny fact that I have to be out of this place by the 31th of this month – yes, in two weeks time. I was so hoping for that place… It had a rooftop terrace and everything. Now I actually have to start looking for real, and fast too. I’m not sure, but I don’t think this call helped my headache one bit.

Well, let’s see if we can’t finish off this post with something positive – FIVE more days of actual work before I’m done! Yup, that’s it, those are the magical words to make me smile even when having to face screaming children, high pitch talking Uni. girls and the risk of homelessness.

If you don’t know (or remember) where the title for this post comes from – please click on the picture above! It’s very fitting I think…

The days in-between

It’s been a bit quiet here for the last couple of days and that’s mostly because my computer and I haven’t been on speaking terms. Right this minute we’re not yelling at each other, but I’m pretty sure it won’t last long, so I might need to start thinking about what I’ll do when we finally breakup for real…

Well the days have passed with fabulous spring sun, walks by the water (even though that’s still a bit of a risk considering the wind…), dining room runway shows with yours truly modeling and admiring two new summer dresses, and baking my first ever Tarte au Citron and sharing it with two unsuspecting victims. I don’t remember when I last failed so miserably with a cake, I suppose it’s meant to humble me… and make me try harder – next attempt will be a five layer chocolate cake for a friends birthday. I mean, it’s never failed me before, so when in doubt – go chocolate.

I think the best way to illustrate how bad the cake was, is to show you a couple of pictures of myself – when I’d rather show you this than the cake, you know it’s bad, really bad!

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I have no idea why I can’t smile like a normal human being, as soon as a camera comes close I get this half panicked nervous smile, but hey – it looks better than my lemon cake, so be happy you don’t have to look at that!

Oh, and see the mess on the table behind me? It’s ten times worse today – I should stay home and fix it, but seeing as I unexpectedly got the day off I’m ignoring all my chores and hopping on a southbound train for the day!

I hope you’re having a great day too!

Mar 9, 2012

Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch

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It’s not like I don’t have friends or other things to do – I actually had plans for tonight… they just kind of changed last minute… So now I’m spending the evening watching The Great British Bake Off and dreaming of making cakes that look like a dream and taste like a little piece of heaven. Note to self; get friends that has the immediate goal of getting fat fast… In the meantime, as not to eat a whole cake myself, I’m restraining from whipping up a marvelous chocolate cake and instead eating frozen melon balls, strawberries and drinking lemon tea – come to think of it, it’s kind of like having a British garden party in my living room!

Oh, and by the way – to get to the sources of the pictures, just click on them!

Mar 6, 2012

The countdown begins

I know it’s early but I can’t help it – the countdown has started! As of today there are only 25 days before I start my new job and out of those only 10 are working days. I can’t wait!

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Mar 4, 2012

Knowing your worth

I have a big admiration for people who fight for their or others rights. People who don’t just sit back and take it. These are the people who have realized their own worth and are demanding others to see it to. These are the people we owe our basic rights to. One might think it’s easy, speaking your mind and protesting, “complaining” as some people call it, but basically it’s going against what your being told your worth and deserve, and not many people can do that.

In the north of Sweden some people are upset about loosing their local ambulance and their local ER because of budget cuts, politicians have presented alternatives like an emergency car that can give treatment but not transport the patients but so far the people aren’t going for it. There are a lot of sides to the story and I don’t intend to give a play-by-play of the discussion. I just mention it because I think it’s impressing that people are protesting instead of accepting that the politicians probably had some medical expertise involved that said it would work. I think it’s really cool that they are making it heard that they don’t accept being treated like second class citizens just because they live in a difficult geographical area of the country.

Recently I talked to a friend about young doctors working conditions in different hospitals. She had heard from some people that they were really happy with their nightshifts because they got to sleep up to two hours on a 16 hour shift – that was so much better than what they had experienced in other hospitals. There was a bit of a pride in having worked straight through the night and feeling that this shift (with two hours of sleep) – that my friend considered hard – was in fact a piece of cake, they were a bit tougher and faster, just a tiny bit more badass than the others. As my friend pointed out the agreement between our union and the region is that we actually have a right to four hours of sleep during a 16 hour night shift. So why are we acting all happy about being denied our rights? Why is it cool to have worked crossed-eyed through the night not giving the patients the time and attention they need? And I don’t care what anybody says, working straight through the night non-stop with patients doesn’t give the best patient care no matter how good of a doctor you think you are!

Young doctors are told that this is what they can expect, this is what they are supposed to be able to manage, but it’s not true. There are people who just like the old folks in the north of Sweden at one point said that it just wasn’t acceptable to have those kinds of working conditions and fought for our rights. If these people were living in a half deserted village in the coldest north of Sweden they probably would be happy not to have any medical care nearby – they would consider it cool to freeze to death after a car accident, they probably would think of themselves as just a tiny bit more badass than the people in the city nearby that rely on sissy things like ambulances and emergency rooms.

Christ, sometimes very intelligent people can be surprisingly dumb… 

Mar 3, 2012

Home

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It takes me literately minutes to feel at home in a new place. I’ve been moving since I was a little kid – 3 years and 9 months to be precise. I don’t really remember anything from that time, but I’ve been told that I asked for my cousins and my aunts for a while after we moved. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for my mom to explain to me that we had moved to a completely different continent and that it would be years and years before I saw them again, especially considering that, that specific fact probably was breaking hear heart just thinking about it.

I guess when that’s your starting point all other moves will be easier. The biggest one so far being me packing my bag (no, not plural – I had literately just one bag!) and moving to a different country to study and the hardest one being having to move out of my apartment because I had rented it out while planning a trip to Tanzania only to find out I wasn’t going and I couldn’t get out of the contract with the new tenant. Yeah, that one sucked.

Now here I am, again planning a move. In less than a month I’ll be cursing over the fact that I have so much stuff and wanting to throw everything out while not really having the heart to throw out shoes I’ve bought but never used because I bought them when my feet were swollen and now can’t fit them anymore. I know the drill. It’s hard and frustrating and for a little while you feel like you’re neither here nor there, but then I get my stuff in to the new place and by the time I wake up the next day I can hardly remember I ever lived anywhere else.

I keep wondering if I’ll ever find a place where I can stay, if I’ll ever find that place where I want to stay and feel like I have everything I want right there. Right now I can’t imagine I ever will, my life isn’t turning out to be one of those where you can see twenty years in the future and see where you’re going to be, hell I can barely see one year into the future. I guess I’ll stay when I find a beautiful old house with a big garden that is located right in the center of a big city and is close to nature, my dream job, my family and my friends, but I’m not holding my breath that it’ll happen anytime soon. Especially seeing as both friends and family have a tendency to distribute themselves in several different countries…  

Mar 2, 2012

Bring me back to life

Surely you haven’t missed that we’re heading straight forward into spring? Today was one of those days that convince me that people who prefer summer to spring must be a little bit crazy. There’s this fantastic expectation, freshness and rebirth-feeling around spring. Everything feels crisp and new. Today the sky was cloudless, the sun beaming and even heating a little if you found a place protected from the still chilly breeze, and I felt like a new person. It’s like the lungs that have been waiting to breath properly finally get to suck in all this fresh air and you almost levitate in the process! Today I wish I had a garden to sit in, a sheltered spot among high green bushes where I could sit in the new sun cuddled up with blankets and enjoy a glass of lemonade and a good book while listening to some soft and happy tunes. Ah, the hopes and dreams of a city girl with a romantic streak.

Oh, yeah – in case you hadn’t noticed, today is also – Friday! I’m getting my veggies at the market tomorrow and buying all the flowers I can carry, it’s not spring until the house is full of tulips!

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