Dec 31, 2012

Promises Promises...



Ok, so this day you hear a lot about – yeah, you guessed it – New Year resolutions. I’ve always been against them. I mean why would this specific day be any different from the rest? Why not just make the changes you want to make on any other random day of the year? But mostly I’ve always stayed away from them for the same reason I think most people don’t like making them, you’re pretty sure you won’t keep them and then you’ll just be disappointed. I suppose that’s a realistic outlook on things, it’s just the more I read about people thinking like that, the more it irritates me.

If you don’t make promises because you don’t want to break them – then don’t break them! And if you always make promises that you break then maybe you should think about how much you actually want to keep them, how important they are to you, and lastly maybe try to adjust your level of ambition. The solution isn’t in any way not to make the promise in the first place.

My sister once told me (I think she’d heard it from Oprah) that the most important person, to whom you need to keep your promises, is yourself. There is nothing worse than not trusting your own word. I remember how spot on I felt it when she said it. That’s it; I don’t trust my own word. When I tell myself I’ll do something and someone else asks me to do something that happens to interfere with that, I always end up breaking the promise I made to myself before breaking the promise I’ve made to someone else, and somehow I don’t think that’s right.

This year, despite the fact that I’ve never kept a New Years resolution before, I’ll make them, and if twelve months from now I haven’t accomplished them (yet!), I’ll know at least I’ve tried, and that’s far better than giving up before you even start!

Cheers to a happier, healthier and gutsier 2013!

Happy New Year!!

Dec 30, 2012

Looking back over my shoulder

It is of course impossible to accurately summarize a whole year, the big things are often the small things that are difficult to specify. Still, a year has passed and hopefully you've advanced in someway, done some good, evolved and learned.

In many ways this has been an amazing year for me;
I started out getting my dream job in january and trying to explain how insanely happy I was here on the blog. Visiting my family in Sweden in february and having a great time, realizing Stockholm isn't such a bad place after all, but that -20 degrees celsius isn't proper weather for a stroll downtown, as if I didn't know that already...


In the spring I applied for a course in International Health at the University of Copenhagen and got in, which felt like a huge win and a formal step towards my future plans. In April I moved back to the only city I call home in Denmark and going to work was a dream most every day, something I've never experienced before. 


In the summer I celebrated two of my friends graduating from med.school and had another short but lovely visit to Sweden. Then on a bit of an impulsive whim I bought a ticket to Los Angeles and had a weird night in Vegas, a fabulous and hot day in Disneyland and some relaxing days in San Diego with the greatest sister in the world. Barely had I come home and knocked down some 24-hour shifts at work before I headed off to Copenhagen and three amazing weeks of being inspired on a daily basis and meeting some of the most interesting people I've ever met.


Moving on to September I had to take a bit of an unexpected trip to Sweden to see my mom, but luckily everything turned out fine and it was a lovely visit. In October the long ago planned weekend in Paris finally arrived! It was so great and well needed that it made me think that from now on I'll try to always have a week or so of vacation in the fall, it gives you energy like you wouldn't believe it. And energy was well needed in the weeks to come. 


November started out with me closing my eyes and jumping into something scary - I finally sent in my MSF application form. The last couple of weeks of November and December were hellish. Way to much work, way to many sick colleagues and way to few days off. I learned to appreciate the insanely huge importance of the weekend when I had a period of about 22 days of work with one day off in the whole period. Not doing that again any time soon... After that horrible period (where I could burst into tears for no specific reason other than exhaustion!) I had the lovely reward of a weekend in Copenhagen with one of my oldest friends. 



After coming home I just had to wait for a few days before my family came down to celebrate Christmas here with me. We had a couple of days together with lot's of food, discussions (because it's not proper family-time if you're not discussing politics, weird new semi-scientific progress and well, the rest of the family...) and also some laughter and gifts. I suppose it's just as it should be.



Now I have one more day left in this year and I'm actually happy that I'll be spending it at work. Some people may say it's unhealthy, weird, sad or pathetic, but I feel at home there. I'll be doing some good and celebrating that this year has given me the privilege of learning how to take care of sick kids, and I get to do it every single day. If what you do the last day of the year says something about what you are going to be doing the next then I'll definitely be in the right place. 

Dec 29, 2012

Finding the upside

I'm not dead

I'm not seriously ill

I'm not missing work

My head has stopped throbbing

I have leftover ham from Christmas

If worse comes to worst I still have one and a half bottle of red wine.

Unfortunatelly I'm not built to see the positive, I'm built to see the facts (aka the downside). I feel half way to being dead and by all means seriously ill. I'm worried I won't be ready for work on Monday and I have to (let's emphasize - HAVE TO) work on Monday. I can't call in sick for a 24-hour shift on New Years Eve! I'll be hated by every single one of my colleagues - especially since I volunteered to take that shift myself. Oh, the throbbing in my head is coming back just thinking about it.

I don't get what people do when they're sick. Reading hurts my eyes and gives me a headache, watching movies hurts my ears (you know, when I can hear anything apart from the constant ringing) and trying to lay completely still and hope to fall asleep makes me go insane with boredom. I don't usually consider myself a crazy person, I'm pretty well balanced and reasonable. So maybe I yell at my computer and phone or other inanimate objects once in a while but I think that's pretty common. But laying in my bed just listening to the ringing in my ears has had me yelling at my head to stop throbbing and to my nose to stop dripping. The (loud) yelling is of course followed by a coughing frenzy and me left with no oxygen in my lungs, so now I'm thinking crazy person is not that far off the mark... 

Dec 13, 2012

The calm...

Today is going to be a good day. I have Christmas-red nails, stars on my top and I just had a candlelit breakfast. Yesterday I even put a couple of ornaments up so it feels just a little bit Christmasy now. I am  fully determent to be deep in the Holiday spirits when I get back, because when I do I just have two day- and one nightshift before my lovely family fly in and we officially begin the holiday celebrations. I'll go recipe-crazy for traditional Swedish dishes and I will enjoy it. But for now the decorations are small and I'm reveling in the quiet frosty morning before it all begins. 


Dec 12, 2012

The reward

I managed to get through my dayshifts this weekend and my nightshift on Monday with a bit of a cough and a sore throat, but today I couldn't help it, I woke up with a fever and no voice. There was no choice, I had to stay home. I've slept on and off all day, sipped tea and planned my trip to Copenhagen this weekend. I need this little get away so much you wouldn't even believe it!


Tomorrow I'm getting on a train (that hopefully can get through the snow) and bringing a book and a wool sweater, when I arrive in Copenhagen I have a deal with the cold that it will have stayed in Aarhus so that I can enjoy this long weekend that I so deserve. I'm hoping that a visit to the very Christmasy Tivoli will get my Holliday spirits going. 


The very best part of this weekend will of course be to see my oldest friend (who's actually my youngest friend...) and catching up on the last six months over a cocktail at a nice bar where I can feel a bit more glamorous than the girl in the unflattering scrubs with fetal fat smeared all over her... (isn't that just a lovely image..!)


As a must on every Copenhagen visit I need to stock up on my teas at the most perfect little tea-shop, that probably has every tea your heart might desire. They also have a salon upstair where you can get afternoon tea if you're in a Downton Abbey mood, and seriously, when aren't you?


Oh, and while we're on TV-shows, I've heard of a "Mad Men" kind of bar that I'm hoping we can try out. Supposedly the best cocktails in Copenhagen. I mean, if that doesn't cure a sore throat nothing will!


Finally we have the "pièce de résistance" - tickets to the ballet! I absolutely love the ballet. I wasn't raised going to the theater or the ballet (which is kind of weird with an actor father and a musician mother), so I don't know where the interest comes from, but it's like it's growing with time. It's something with the beautiful theaters, the incredibly talented people and the amazing music.


This Friday we're going to see Sleeping Beauty and from the looks of the pictures on their website it's going to be beautiful. My favorite is actually Swan Lake, I've never seen it live but I listen to the music every time I get a chance at I'm at my mom's place. She has it on vinyl, and I'm just waiting to stumble upon a record player at some vintage store before I blatantly steal the records from her. 

Dec 7, 2012

What will land me in a psyche ward...

I never talk about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend or a family close by unless asked about it. I mean there's not much to say really, it is what it is, and when I do talk about it I mostly say it's ok, that I'm ok with it. The thing is that mostly I am fine with it. I have my friends, I talk to my family a lot (thank you Skype!) and I spend a lot of time at my job which I love. The problem is (as always!) when the balance goes missing. These last couple of weeks the balance has been completely off. Twice I've been on the verge of tears at work from pure exhaustion (and frustration) and at home the tears come way to often for no particular reason (a sentimental post on a blog, a sappy movie or a song that brings out memories). I know what it is, I know I'm not depressed or sad or anything else weird, I'm just tired. I need to sleep. I need to have day when I don't get up at 6 in the morning. I need a day where I can walk outside while the sun is still out. I need a weekend. Yes, something that simple. And I need to have a social life. I can feel myself slowly going insane by not having at least one conversation a day that isn't about coughing, seizures and babies losing weigh.

These are the times when I get the point of having someone to come home to, not that I don't get it otherwise but these periods really emphasize the fact that people weren't meant to live alone. I miss someone to bitch to when I get home, someone to tell a funny story to about a kid at work and someone who tells me about their day and their problems. I need another persons perspective. I need someone that I care enough about to make dinner to and put a smile on for. Instead of grumpily nuking frozen dinners and throwing myself on the couch to watch whatever I can find on Netflix just to not go to bed at six in the evening.

It sounds horrible and pathetic when I put all in black and white but I need to write it down, I need to see it to realize and understand that it's not an ok way to live your life and that I need to do something about it. Today I met a friend for coffee after work. You might think it's a small thing but to me it's huge. It made my day. I felt that neglected part of me brighten up. I got to vent and talk, and then I got to listen and feel my problems disappear in the presence of someone else's. I got perspective.

I love my job, every single day I love it. This is an unusually unfortunate period where everything that can get messed up has gotten messed up with the planning of our shifts and somehow it's mostly fallen on me to pick up the extra shifts and hours. I thought nothing could ever change the way I feel about work, that I could put as many hours in as necessary, that I loved it enough to just keep going. I know that it's a naive thought now. I need to get away from it to be able to keep coming back, and I'm not talking about vacation or a long break - I just need a weekend. One alarm-free, breakfast at noon, window shopping, book reading, market going, flower buying, clothes washing blissfully unplanned weekend. Unfortunately I'll have to wait a while for one of those weekends, but hey, at least I love what I do after I'm done forcing myself out of bed.

Dec 5, 2012

Staying afloat

I'm alive. Barely, but still. My energy levels are buried somewhere beneath the snow, hidden in the constant darkness. Something else that's hidden is my phone - although I don't think it's as much hiding as it's kidnapped, by a dishonest taxi driver. We parted ways this weekend and I've been missing him dearly since, but I'm trying to accept that he's gone and be excited about the new (upgraded!) friend that's making his way to me as we speak!

In the meantime I'm trying to enjoy being outside without headphones on and music blasting, something I hardly ever do. I'm also realizing how often I look at my phone to see what time it is, I've never used a watch in my life and I thought I was this cool person who didn't bother about minutes and seconds but now I find myself reaching for my non-excisting phone just to check the time at least fifty times a day. I've also added alarm clock to my Christmas wish list because not having one is just incredibly stupid. Only problem now is that I don't really have anyone to send my wish list to (wow, that sounds really sad... but it's just because I know the people who buy me gifts have already bought me something else!).

So, after 13 days of radio silence all I have to say is - I'm alive and I'm managing without a phone. Yup, that's about right, and very saying for the amount of energy I have these days - this is the most advanced post I could muster up. I don't even think I'll find a picture to go with it... (And might I add that this took over three hours to get down!) Ough! I need a bed...


Looks like a dream - feels like a nightmare. Only people who haven't walked to school with their snot frozen in their nose and razor-blade sharp pain in your chest with every inhale would wish for this. But I'll give you the beauty part, not much else compares to a crispy white forrest and the silence that sets when the snow is newly fallen so that the only sound around is the one of you boots packing it tightly beneath your feet. I think I'll try to focus on this picture when the darkness gets to deep in the mornings.